INSIDEOWL: Will as a Puppy

Will as a Puppy · 17 February 2008

Third series home practice. Funny joke. Yeah, me in the kitchen standing on one leg with the other behind my head. Don’t miss a beat as the fridge clicks on, the phone rings, and the neighbor harumphs out on the balcony to holler the squirrels in for breakfast.

My kitchen-floor practice is growing little by little (Shambhala Sun calls it kitchen sink enlightenment, the practice that is done without constant community and teachers, but I am talking about my literal kitchen floor). I usually begin with the first half of primary. The surrendering series of forward bends, the series I’ve done over a thousand times, to the point that it does me more than me it. It’s all easier after I let that old lover, the first series, draw me down. I finally let go of the little distractions, the hanging-out, the laziness and the doubt.

But third series is not about the practice doing me. It’s not something to which I surrender. It’s something I do.

I’ve been floating this idea that you don’t home-practice the third series. It’s too ridiculous a practice. Built for exhibitionism, for godsakes. Who am I kidding that I’ll muster that kind of power of my own day after day in the kitchen? (V. joked that I should finally get a puppy, to keep me honest.)

Tried out the theory on my teacher the other day. No dice. And no excuses.

Third series is the will. It develops the will.

What? Will is for two year olds, I thought. Will is my first complete sentence (hollering): “Do it self, Mommy!” Will is leaving Montana, leaving a religion, leaving rural culture and leaving the quasi-peasant class. It's achieving shit. It’s everything I’ve softened in my personality as intuition and feeling and what feels like a deeper nature have come in.

I’m supposed to go back? I left something behind back there in my adolescence? Something I need?

Maybe. Certain things are a struggle now. Staying present for everything, not just the things I like. Finishing the goddam dissertation, which is enormous (and which I extend in order to stay in the place that I love and because the job market is shit). Practicing third series alone in my kitchen, for godsakes. If I was still a willful one, I could muscle this stuff.

But is there a kind of will that just squashes the distraction and the difficulty, a kind of will that is less effortful? Can you harness gravity somehow as this insane discipline teaches you (supposedly) to fly? Can you have a willfullness whose character feels less like Do it Self, Mommy and more like a good puppy (ok, maybe a bull terrier or something) watching the play of consciousness?

I have no idea. But it’s been said, and not by me, that the time on the plateau is over for now. That it is time for building. I just hope I can do what is given to me without getting tough again, without narrowing myself down, and with a sense of humor.

Posted by (0v0)
Categories: astanga yoga , evolution , having a body , self-deception

Previous entry: Saturday XXXXI: Love Among the Ruins / Next entry: Adventures in Concept Formation: The Will, Part II

Comment

I humbly submit—and by that I mean a real humble submission, not the irony with which that phrase is too often uttered—that your use of the term “will” refers to history you recall, rather than “will” taken on its own. What does “will” mean when you hear it, and what does it mean when the speaker said, “it’s all about will?” The difference between those two is the conversation.

Posted by: patrick · Feb 17, 04:28 PM · #
Yes, this makes sense. The old hyper-agentic, destiny-hungry concept is not useful to me; I have to throw it out.

What is the will that I am going to cultivate? Your enlightened read of Nietzche helps. And the whole Bhagavad Gita karma yoga thing. Still, making peace with this notion (whatever it is) and accepting that it—not stillness or pure intuition—is where asana practice is at now… that’s an interesting thing.

And then again, maybe that’s too much of a framework. Maybe it’s enough to recognize It’s been over a year since I began edging in to this practice, and that process has changed me. Maybe that’s all that “will” is—that little change. Maybe I just need to observe more accurately what has already happened, distill that, and then enhance it.

I dunno.

Posted by: (0v0) · Feb 17, 05:53 PM · #
Is there a will to experience what is given without getting tough, without narrowing one’s self down, and with a sense of humor?

God, I hope so.

If your research reveals this to be true, I’d like to hear about it. It’s where I’d like to go, too.

Posted by: karen · Feb 17, 06:33 PM · #
Someday = your bull terrier and my dachshund will hang out.

Posted by: Flint · Feb 18, 07:02 AM · #
You get serious yoga gold stars for practicing in the kitchen. Distill. Enhance. It’s a part of you, all of this, your practice, your work, the things you love, and you do them every day… you just don’t ascribe the word “will” to them. It’s already happening.

: )

Posted by: Anna · Feb 18, 07:07 AM · #
addendum: can your bull terrier and Flint’s dachshund play with my rescue Shiba Inu who shall arrive when I live in CA in a place that allows me to have dogs?

Posted by: Anna · Feb 18, 08:06 AM · #
2nd series is still MUCH harder for me than 3rd, which is merely very strenuous. But 3rd raises the question of “How hard do I really want to work?” all the time for me. For instance with Tim. Yes I CAN do full Intermediate and my 3rd, but do I want to? Not really. Maybe once in awhile, but if push comes to shove, I don’t want to do it all the time. Not for myself I don’t. And then if I do it anyway, it becomes about doing it for outer approval, a concept I find offensive.

I suppose it is important to always question, and that is the key. I find it hugely ironic that it becomes harder and harder to pinpoint & separate ego from the practice the more one “advances” along the physical path.

Posted by: boodiba · Feb 18, 09:10 AM · #
Funny. “I left something BACK there? Something I need?”

I do think that pure unadulterated will is something we experience less and less of the older we get. There is something to be said for latching on to a desire or idea in that teenager-y way, and truly following through. But I’m not sure how it fits with the concept of nonattachment. Perhaps the idea is to strengthen the will in order to fully understand it before you let it go (in, uh, 5th or 6th series???). Hah.

I am about to go on vacation and debating whether even to take the yoga mat. Not sure I’m interested in 3rd by myself. I’m impressed that you can do it. But then, you HAVE to do it. You do. :) Love to you.

Posted by: Katie · Feb 18, 11:50 AM · #
Hi (0v0)
My whole focus is getting to 3rd and no further. Nada. Then just practicing all first three during the week. The funny thing about it for me is that I was envisioning that I would only accomplish reaching Third Series in the privacy of my apartment, because I could not conceive how a teacher would give the series to me, since I was stuck in primary and half of second. But now I think it’s possible I can learn it with a teacher, one willing to work with the imperfections of my practice.
cheers, Arturo

Posted by: arturo · Feb 18, 03:11 PM · #
No one has a perfect practice besides Kino & Matthew Sweeney.

Posted by: Boodiba · Feb 19, 11:10 AM · #
you could always go with the “3rd of a series” said quickly approach! ;)

rock on, kitchen practice!

Posted by: cody · Feb 19, 02:47 PM · #
REALITY CHECK.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

DOES. NOT. MATTER.

Everyone has a perfect practice. I love your practices and I’ve never even seen them. Burn the Yoga Journal if for even a second it takes you away from the perfection of your practice. Kill your the Shakti Naked Yoga book. Kill the buddha.

I’m taking my wonky Janu Sirsasana C (can’t even breathe in that posture if you’re me, and forget about binding or folding) right in to the temple because it’s so perfect. Offering that to the gods because it’s the best of me.

Roar.

Posted by: (0v0) · Feb 19, 06:28 PM · #
Third of a series! Again, perfect.

Daschunds, bull terriers and shiba inus all share the distinction of being remarkably “willful” as puppies. I just learned that on the internet. Shibas and daschunds are cuter avatars, but I’ll own up to the bull terrier for now.

Katie, this is in my head the past day: “Perhaps the idea is to strengthen the will in order to fully understand it before you let it go (in, uh, 5th or 6th series???). Hah.” Uh huh. I received the most amazing communication last night from the lead ashtanga field researcher (United States division, central offices in Indiana) about all of this, and have more to say. Will say it here if the time materializes in the next day or so.

But right now I have to go to monthly dinner at my PhD adviser’s house (rather than the send-off dinner for my yoga teacher—an event I planned).

Happy moon-day eve.

Bye.

Posted by: (0v0) · Feb 19, 06:35 PM · #
that’s weird…second time this month that west coast moon day is one day ahead of east coast moon day (we’re thursday). spooooky!

Posted by: cody · Feb 19, 08:16 PM · #
I’ve never seen Kino practice, but I took a workshop with her and I was impressed with her faith and understanding of the system. Wish it had rubbed off on me a bit!

Posted by: V · Feb 20, 01:03 AM · #
DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. Precisely!

Happy moon day to you.

Posted by: Anna · Feb 20, 10:45 AM · #
Alas, apparently IT DOES MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.. I mean MY ASS.

Today a sad day.

I had lunch with my yoga teacher, honorable ElSeeDoor today, at Huang Po Japanese restaurant. He followed fundamental approach: we started with bento box A and B then we had standing salmon teriyaki and finally sitting 10 asanas sushi. He did notice my use of the props (namely the fork), but I paid no attention to his (dis)approval.

During the lunch teacher ElSeeDoor was distracted because of the bench he was sitting on. It is usual custom of the Huang Po Japanese franchised to use grilled benches with moderate heat. I was stunned to notice how much his ice-melting ass reacts to the smallest grilled bench heater. Amazing.

I asked him about practice progress. He answered that my ass lacks in integrity and intent (???). He was precise and (as always) very direct: “ Zee, it appears that your ass elevation is not even, it does not stick properly on the ice. I am a seer and I see that your right side butt precisely the right vertical tangent is not 90 degree with the ice surface…”

I was fearing the worst… He continued: “Stratigraphic characteristics of your ASS profile is not what you think it is. Such ass-elevation is described in details in Cabala… (page 132) when Jupiter replaces the constellation Ursa Major with abstract ass-ininity when concrete angularness… etc. etc.” I stopped listening to him.

I am not the One. I can no melt the ice with this… no-melting ass.

Posted by: zee · Feb 20, 11:20 AM · #
My dear teacher ElSeeDoor, I’m not the One… MY ASS.

Posted by: zee · Feb 20, 12:52 PM · #
An Open Letter…

Dear Teacher ElSeeDoor;

My ASS thinks its time to seize this day and make a choice!

My ASS will address (NOW) the current global situation as well as more local issues…
My ASS is tired with this load of experience having hung about in Foggy Bottom for quite some time. It has watched with clenched frustration from the sidelines for far too long, observing the other party members making appearance after appearance and delivering nothing but streams of fart air. Have this warning for future: My ASS will be open and moderate while fiscally tight and split right down the middle on issues that demand your full attention.

My ASS wants to tackle the spreading problem of obesity in this party (btw, does my ASS look fat to you?).

My ASS is not looking to simply fill the seat of power in order to hatch some grand global heating scheme that benefits only those who buttress big business or favor the higher end. My ASS wants to encourage all the members of the party of all races and creeds to point their fingers skyward and yell “We’re Number One!”. My ASS calls on its fellow members to meet it face to face, to look it in the eye and debate the concerns of the day in a manner befitting the gravity of the times.

My ASS WILL NEVER back away from the thornier choice then this ONE, my ASS made today.

My ASS has finished. Now, the decision is yours.

I put my ASS in your hands.

Posted by: zee · Feb 20, 01:15 PM · #
Dear Zee,

I have a migraine so bad that I can’t keep food down. I’m in a lot of pain and feeling alone. Can you please stop being mad at me?

I’m home lying on the floor today and this is the only time I’m getting up for the moment to switch off my laptop. I just want to try to stop throwing up and go to sleep. Ok? I need space and quiet.

I’m haven’t been online much lately, but there is a human out here behind the manifestation in your consciousness. And she’s in pain.

I think you probably should do some Iyengar yoga to get your ASS aligned. Then everything will function properly and can seize every day with perfect anal rectitude.

Posted by: (0v0) · Feb 20, 01:56 PM · #
My head is spinning from reading all of this. I’m far from doing 3rd series, I’m happily stuck in primary working the dropbacks. I practice in my bedroom now as I no longer have a teacher and some days are hard, some days are good. I do the same thing all the time, all the time, the same series of movements.

I do feel like I’m getting nowhere sometimes, but the rest of the time I don’t really think about it. Do I actively build by engaging my mind and pushing on trying to get somewhere or do I hang back and go through it all again, just satisfied that I practised?

I hope you head is better OvO x

Posted by: CJ · Feb 20, 02:26 PM · #
ovo: i hope you feel better. :)

zee: according to the blogger terms of service, you’re only allowed to stalk one blogger at a time with your jibber-jabber. please choose between ovo and annabella.

Posted by: cody · Feb 20, 04:41 PM · #
My dear Owl this is not for you. I used your space to send a message to my honorable teacher ElSeeDoor. You asked for humor so I felt free ;) I hope you are ok.

Cody, “your time is almost up”. I’ll see you on Friday, on the guys strip-bar meeting. If you are good I’m going to pay for your VIP treatment. ;)

Posted by: zee · Feb 20, 05:05 PM · #
Catching up on the blogosphere now, Owl, seems like the migraine has gone, but so sorry you had to go through it :-( I had a friend that used to suffer them and I’m aware of how debilitating they can be.

Posted by: V · Feb 21, 12:19 AM · #
My dear eeyore, your path and my path have diverged from each other today at 12:00. Our paths will never meet again, and I’m proceeding alone.

Best wishes to you. Let consciousness, courage, faith and grace be with you… as long as space endures… Good bye.

Posted by: zee · Feb 21, 09:38 AM · #
We don’t have to read our comments. Nice.

Know what I LOVE at Huang Po restaurant? Nothing.

Signed,
Yul See Soon

P.S. My dog is a pit bull and she is lovely, What else would The Cop love?

Posted by: karen · Feb 21, 11:17 AM · #
Oh Karen, your comment is not friendly at all. It is a shame that I with this English have to give you the two cents on this Game. But if I must then I must (with a certain dose of satisfaction, if I may add)…

Spirit of the Game is to ‘be cool.’ Play hard, be better. Be considerate about missunderstood rules by puppy-will-dog, not cocky, not rocky. No spiking, no trash talking (unless you’re friend to me). And it’s “context” not “contest”.

For me, the Spirit of the Game is running after Reality… Then, when I think it can’t be any worst, when I stand up in the endzone, I see not only opponents cheering, congratulating me but also my friends spiting on me. WONDERFUL FEELING.

Spirit of the Game is leading by example. I DISAGREE with your Huang Po views and your practice comments. I have my own.

And from today, our path are not the same.
Spirit of the game is never assigning any blame.

Posted by: zee · Feb 21, 12:52 PM · #
O Eye See Nao. It doesn’t have to be a Game. I’m tired of people using the interned to create fantasy-others to do wish-fulfillment for them. Too easy, this having other internet-identities play host to your own projected vrittis. As if the world is just something that exists in our consciousness, a la extremist, detached, solipsist-style advaita.

The longer I hang out on the internet, the more I appreciate the efforts to merge this zone with everyday 3-dimensional reality.

I don’t want to play the Game of being El See Door or Eeyore. I am (0v0). That’s interesting enough. The Game I’m playing: less drama, more intersubjectivity.

Posted by: (0v0) · Feb 21, 03:47 PM · #
May I be so bold as to admit that I haven’t the slightest idea what Zee is talking about!

Posted by: cody · Feb 21, 04:57 PM · #
Full recovery :).

When you have fallen in love and then you have recovered: how do you deal with the situation? Then you mention Nietzsche and you write about WILL:

1. I, Inside Owl, a resident of the World, hereby make this Will and revoke all prior Wills and Codicils….

2. I give my blog blabbering to the following persons: – All to jlafitte ‘cause he likes me for what I am. Or – One-half to Karen ‘cause she writes like me (well almost like me) and One-half to Cody cause he has not the slightest idea what I am speaking of. Or – All to my children, equally, and their issue, per stirpes.

3. I appoint Namaste Zee Ashtanga as Executor of my Will, and if he is unable or unwilling to serve, then no one can.

THREE LURKERS, WHO ARE THERE MUST SEE YOU COMMENT THE WILL, TO IMMEDIATELY COMMENT YOUR COMMENT. A WILL THAT IS NOT PROPERLY COMMENTED IS NOT VALID!

Posted by: zee · Feb 22, 11:24 AM · #