Signs of Bikram Yoga Dependency · 31 December 2009
-You start to think of your morning ashtanga programme as your “cooling” practice.
-You see idiosyncracies in the script—exhortations to lock out the knee so hard it bends backwards, specifications of an upturned palm with “Imagine the hand is full of money, so much money,” grammatical errors such as “pull more harder” and the dropping of articles—as carrying vital historical context. (Phase two: the idiosyncracies point to hidden meanings. They are esoteric.)
-You believe the teacher when she says that the postures should only be done in correct order if one is to receive all of the health benefits.
-Working your edge starts to mean seeing how big a lunch you can eat and still hit the 6:30 class without throwing up.
-You experience feelings of great tenderness toward first-timers, hoping they will be welcomed with the same words the desk clerk used to greet you on day one: Welcome to the torture chamber of love.
-You get increasingly excited about new ways to get very fucking cold: leaving the mat in the car so it’s half frozen when you roll it out in the room, eating snow after practice, freezing your water bottle. (There’s luxury in such contrast. But don’t worry: otherwise Bikram torture is bhoga-free.)
-The smell stops bothering you. Really.
-Other people dripping sweat on your mat begins to feel like friendly energy-exchange.
-You experience Stockholm syndrome-like trust and comraderie feelings toward teachers, even though they speak in monologue, don’t touch you, display no facial expressions, and say the same thing over and over and over like broken 1980s pull-toys.
-A bikini seems like a totally normal thing to wear for yoga. In fact…
-You devise a SYSTEM. The SYSTEM codifies the minimal number of strokes of the snow shovel, layers of clothing, and runs of the washing machine required to get your fix every day. You become a sleek yoga machine, slithering unencumbered and without advance planning through the freezing night and the piles of snow. In to for your fix and out again as if this all makes some kind of sense. Once this level of rationalization sets in, the behavior is likely to continue unless there is an intervention.
:::::::: If symptoms manifest swiftly and intensely, residential care in an approved institution may be required. Optimally, the subject shall be sent directly to the KPJAY Institute of Mysore, India, and attended to by Saraswathi and Sharath, the greatest physicians in the land. A minimum stay of two months is strongly recommended.::::::::
Posted by (0v0)
Categories: astanga yoga
, having a body
, integration
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Amen, sister. Happy New Year.
Glad to have you in A2.
Posted by: Tim · Dec 31, 03:55 PM · #
That was really, really funny.
Happy New Year, Owl!
Posted by: Liz · Dec 31, 04:52 PM · #
Indeed, this was marvelous. “Cooling practice” had me in relentless snickers.
Posted by: patrick · Dec 31, 05:19 PM · #
Alternative title to post:
“Signs you may be turning into a sopping wet douche-bag.”
I’ve gotten so I just change the subject when people mention to me how “into this beeekram stuff I’m getting. It’s really changing my body…” Better to bite my tongue and avoid an ugly scene.
Ah well. Blessed New Year. Enjoy your honeymoon period with the new city. xx.
Posted by: Liz2 · Jan 1, 05:18 AM · #
I am immune!!!
Posted by: boodiba · Jan 1, 06:40 AM · #
EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW
Sorry, I just had to express my opinion.
Posted by: LI Ashtangini · Jan 1, 06:26 PM · #
i almost went there tonite (i’ve seen yogiraj choudhury spell it just this way)after reading more red tantra.
Posted by: eeyore · Jan 1, 07:50 PM · #
Haha! I see my this diversion is unpopular!
I don’t know though… Bikram is like ashtangi crack. It’s almost no work (no lifting or deep bending of any kind, plus they’re always yelling at you, so the self-motivation piece is unnecessary); the mental challenge of withstanding the heat is intriguing if not addictive; you get to wear skimpy clothing; the taste for sweat that you have developed in ashtanga gets satiated and then some. Not that I’m encouraging anyone to go out and take some classes.
I just went to the neighbor’s with some fresh cupcakes and couldn’t believe how warm it was out there. Turns out it was 13 degrees. So maybe my blood is getting thicker. That said, had my first-ever nosebleed yesterday morning. Horrible. Apparently these things happen in dry, cold climates in winter. I’ve since purchased a humidifier online and tried a professor’s advice to line the nasal passages with Vaseline. Now that is a lot more disgusting than Bikram…
Cupcakes prepared for tonight’s “Classless Vegan” dinner party… I despise it when white people with Harvard degrees parody the poor-which they do often, especially here in the land of old-school, hateful leftism. But since the Sartrean, trying-to-be-debauched English prof is hosting tonight and his job is high priest of political correctness, it is kind of ok.
Posted by: (0v0) · Jan 2, 11:36 AM · #
Embarrassingly thrilling documentary (5 parts, about 40 min). Vegetarian warrior monks of the ass cold Chinese highlands. Here.
Posted by: (0v0) · Jan 2, 01:56 PM · #
Haha. Yeah, chorus of “booo Bikram.”
But seriously, let me specify that I have taken several classes. I’m not just blowing smoke from the sidelines. I can see the appeal in a way, and did get that funny Bikram high after the first class. But then all I could think in subsequent classes was, “god I hate this, god I hate this, god I hate this.”
It’s was a short lived phase for me, like the sexual experimentation in college.
Posted by: Liz2 · Jan 2, 05:21 PM · #
Nose bleeds from dryness are not fun. Discovered this after experiencing it in a very dry region of Mexico- twist a lip balm stick up like lipstick, wiggle it into each nostril and massage the outside of the nose to coat the inside. Feels great! I was doing this on a bus ride, thinking I was hidden enough by being at the very front of the bus with no one beside me, but as I had the chapstick jammed up my nose I looked up to see that I was reflected in the plastic “wall” in front of me and that the person behind me was peering through the space between the seats watching me!
Posted by: Liz · Jan 3, 09:49 AM · #
Perfect. I’d been thinking I’d have to carry a whole jug of vaseline around in my purse….
Posted by: (0v0) · Jan 4, 11:53 AM · #
The ayurvedic cure for dry/bloody nostrils us to coat them with sesame oil (raw if possible). Welcome to the Midwest!
Posted by: CK · Jan 5, 07:01 PM · #
I’ll do it. Thank you!
Posted by: (0v0) · Jan 5, 07:37 PM · #
More about Bikram…
The past two weeks I’ve been surveying the landscape, taking random classes at the different studios in town (there are many). Nothing I’ve encountered is physically challenging at all – otherwise I’d be concerned about this tourism thing being a drain. Rather, it’s a kind of important part of the discipline of staying open and putting myself out here instead of doing what I “feel” like doing – which is locking myself away and never meeting anyone or going anywhere. As if “doing what you feel” can always be trusted. Pish – good way to deepen my own loneliness, actually.
I am so out of touch with my environment here, and going out to different studios is as grounding as hanging out with the locals, going to restaurants besides EvE, and making myself take long walks. They’re just small practices for having a life here. I do them whether or not I “feel” like doing them. The resulting rhythm is really helpful.
Anyway. Mid morning today I caught a 1-hour vinyasa class at Bryan Kest’s little brother’s new studio. Will save the details for my fieldnotes. :-) Really nice people, of course. This studio is 100% spa yoga for the ladies. “Do what feels good,” enjoy our perfectly dimmed track lighting and exquisite wall and floor coverings, soak in our sauna after class (hmm… tempting…). The whole space imitates a middle-brow dayspa.
Elsewhere I’m running in to the old Power Yoga narrative of self-mastery and warriorhood… yoga as a twelve step program. Lots of arm balances and dramatized ujjai – the men’s corollary to spa yoga.
So there are the hyperfeminine self-indulgence interpretation, and the hypermasculine self-mastery interpretation.. And in this world, the only people doing just practice, free of the narrative baggage, are the Bikramites. It’s not a deep practice by our standard, but it’s a practice. I admire it.
Posted by: (0v0) · Jan 6, 10:32 AM · #
You know that to jazz it up, you can add in some bikram ‘advanced variations’ – ‘guillotine’ (aka tittibhasana B) for the 2nd whatever-they-call-prasarita; ganda B for the 2nd locust (I have to hurl my legs over and get toes on my head, then I practise coming down correctly); padangustha dhanurasana for the 2nd dhanurasana; and kapo for the 2nd ustrasana. Then at least you get a nice backbend out of it!! Up to you whether you clear it with the teacher first… good manners, but not usually necessary as all but the most hardened will swoon in admiration rather than stopping you : )
I like the hyperfeminine self-indulgence / hypermasculine self-mastery paradigm.. so true!
Posted by: susananda · Jan 6, 11:37 AM · #
Nice – I like the idea of adding real backbends in to the sequence! (Emoticon.)
Susan, what do you think of their relentless instruction to lock the knees? It is so antithetical to any Yogaworks, Iyengar or vinyasa flow instruction I’ve ever had (and I have a hilarious mind-body block on doing it fully), but looking around the studio I don’t think I’m seeing a lot of busted knees…
Posted by: (0v0) · Jan 6, 05:07 PM · #
Ah – (sorry I don’t get comment notification from wordpress, as it keeps sending them to my defunct address) – it’s true I don’t see a lot of busted knees either. The really good bikram teachers (usually those who started in other forms of yoga) will deviate from the script to explain that rather than pushing back into the knee joints, you are lifting the knees by engaging the thighs. I take issue with their stupid terminology, but it IS very important to make sure people straighten their legs in standing poses, especially balances, and they are certainly accomplishing that.
I never do their stupid bounces either, in utkatasana and trikanasana setup. But they pride themselves on rehabilitating injured knees…
Posted by: susananda · Jan 9, 07:45 AM · #
just don’t wear green! in case sri choudhury stops by. i hear he echoed ida rolf’s complaint of eastern practice. rolf thought that padmasana cut us in half, and denied our lower half. rolfing, she thought, would integrate the entire body. bikram thought just leaving it out would do the trick : )
Posted by: robbieeyore · Jan 14, 09:39 PM · #